Video Game Generation

I love Pac Man. 

To start off, that's a working title, I may change it, I may not.  I will keep the next sentence the same regardless, so you know what the title was if it changes, which it may not.  Today's topin is the "TVideo Game FGeneratyion." 



All you Simpsons geeks are yelling at me
because we know that the "Any Key" comment
was said at home in a mumu.

Ok, since I promised not to change it, you can now see all my typos, which of course means you know what an incompetent typer I am.  When I took typing class in grade 9 I got a 54% passing grade.  Pretty pathetic I know, but it was on a typewriter, so there has to be marks for that right?

The truth of the matter is, I'm actually a pretty good typer when I look at my fingers, hell I can type well when I don't look at my fingers also, until I think about it, and then it's typo city!  I was even a pretty good typer back in grade 9 as well just not in that class. The reason I am such an excellent typist, is all thanks to a little company called Infocom and a video game they put out called "The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

Stunning graphics!

This little game was a frustrating adventure where you controlled the main character 'Arthur Dent' as he galavanted around the universe searching for...  Well I'm not sure really, just doing his best to survive.  It was all texted based, and you controlled everything by typing in commands for Arthur to do.  Typing and typing and typing and typing.  Typing until your fingers bled, trying to figure out why the ship wouldn't land, only to figure our that you forgot to pick up a toothbrush 16 hours prior in the game and had to start over.  I'm suprised it didn't drive me to madness.  Maybe it did. I've often wondered if those who are crazy knew it.

Anyway, you could download the solutions on how to beat the game from BBS boards, (That's what the internet was before the internet was mainstream kids), so that probably saved me.  As well you could by hint books from the software companies, which is where I'm pretty sure they made thier money. 



If quarters spontensouly flew like this, I probably wouldn't be as
good at PacMan.

The by product of all this mind numbing video game playing was that I became a reasonably good typist, and developed a geek like interest in computers which eventually fuelled my career.  On the downside I spent less time outside, never met girls, and spent a shitload of quarters.  Depspite my parents HATING that I spent all my allowance at the local seedy video arcade, and that I got a radiation tan from the TV and computer monitors, video games influenced me and many others from my generation in ways which have developed into our society.

I mentioned before about BBS's.  For all those non-retro geeks out there, BBS stands for Bulletin Board System.  Back in the 80's computer geeks connected by hooking up their computers to their modems and dialling other geeks computers over the phone line.  This wasn't like dialling into an internet provider, these were individual computers with dedicated phone lines in people houses.  (Mostly mom's basements.)  You had to know the specific numbers to call, and if someone else had logged on at that time, you would get a busy signal and have to try again later.  On the BBS you could post comments and have conversations with people you'd never meet.  You could play simple video games, MULTIPLAYER!  (Of couse one person at a time, let's not get ridiculous.)  And you could download documents and, ummm, how do I say this....  pictures.  On my 2400 baud modem it took about an hour to download a 1 meg picture.  Of course there was no thumbnails, so you'd have to dedicate some time to download your 'pictures'.  And what's more, you'd never know what you are going to get...

1 hour for bgboobblnde.gif?  WTF!!!

While the internet did exist during these days, it wasn't well known, and frankly NOT in the least bit  mainstream.  Most people wouldn't know what to do with it at all.  As soon as the internet did go mainstream however, the BBSers recognized it for what it was, and went to work making it into the social networking, communcation mecca that it is today.  And best of all!  THUMBNAILS!

Hilarity ensued...

Girls of course were not part of the video gaming culture back in the 80's.  Oh, they were there of course.  The ratio of girls to guys mind you was about 1 for every 100, and let's just say they weren't the 'choicest' of the species.  Don't get me wrong, I met some very nice and smart women via the BBS, but let's just say they weren't super models.  (And sometimes guys posing as girls, but that's a whole different blog.)  The truth is, I learned almost everything I know about meeting the fairer sex from Leisure Suit Larry. (Maybe the funniest video games of all time.)  Larry was awesome, and taught me that a little cheese can go a long way.  Also that if you can make a girl laugh with it, then she'd love to be your friend.  (And that's about it.)

By the way, if your under the age of 25 and the only time you've been exposed to Lesuire Suit Larry was those two pathetic video games Magna Cum Laude and Box Office Bust, please do yourself a favour and grab a copy of the old ones.  The genius behind the humour, Al Lowe, had nothing to do with those and it shows.  The originals were witty, smart, fun, with a sprinking of teasing smut.  The newer ones were an excuse to draw slutty women, with humour equivelent to a bad fart joke.

Even better you can order a copy of Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded by Replay Games, an HD remake of the original with Al Lowe on board.  I normally don't shill for companies, but I support what these guys are doing.  It comes out hopefully at the end of May, and looks gorgeous so far.  If only they'd make it for BlackBerry as well, then it might be perfect.

For the last time, I don't want to see your dick picture!

Today, it seems like video games have started to try and include those who don't have a Y-chromosone.  While some of these attempts are borderline offensive at trying to entice women, (Diner Dash, a game which lets you live all the glory of being a waitress), some seem to have hit the mark.  The Sims is the first example which comes to mind.  For those of you who don't know, The Sims is a game where you design your house, foster relationships with others, and do housework..  Ummm, fun?  Actually, it's not that bad.   Also games where you raise cute pets seem to be popular with the ladies.  Not to mention more gender neutral games like Farmville, Rock Band, Wii Fit, and Boobfest 9000 all prove that our society is trying to include them in our world, and hopefully maybe one day gamers might get a date.

Finally I want to touch on something that bothers me a lot.    Kids today take a lot of slack for playing video games all the time and getting obese.

Playing outside and promoting racism

The point is something along the lines of...  "Back in my day, kids went outside and ran around playing 'Cowboys and Indians' and made social connections, got exercise, and learned not to be such pussies!  Kids today sit in front of that blasted computer get fat and shoot each other while trash talking each other in a way that would make Chris Rock blush."

Here's the point...  I come from the generation who played outside.  We grabbed sticks and made pretend guns, and shot each other with our imaginations.  If you were the guy who got shot, you'd immediately come back with the poignant argument that the other guy missed, or perhaps you had a bulletproof shield.  This would lead to the argument that there were no bulletproof shields allowed, and that it was double stamped with no erasies.  And as we all know, you can't triple stamp a double stamp.  This would sometimes lead to blows and broken up friendships, but that was rare. 

I've also played Call of Duty, where I can meet my friends to play a game of shoot 'em up.  My sticks are now rocket launchers, my neighbourhood is now a graphically detailed warzone with friends from all over the world, there is now an impartial referee to call hit or miss, and the bullet proof shields can still be used, but have to be earned and deplete quickly if you suck. IT'S LIKE A MILLION TIMES BETTER THEN SHOOTING YOUR FRIEND WITH A STICK!  Can you blame kids for not wanting to go back to the old way?

Sigh...

On top of that with the wide spread information overload that we take on, parents are too paranoid to let their kids out of their site for even a moment.  We hear about missing kids all day on the news, and even though it's one in a million, it's all you hear about.  As a result, neighbourhoods are no longer teaming with miscreant kids just milling around like the used to be.  Even if you are enlightened to the fear mongering media and know that your kid won't die if they look at a peanut, other parents aren't, so now your kid is the only target out there.

To solution of course is to let your kids outside, but if you can't bring yourself to that, get them a treadmill, and make them run as they play video games.  I have to admit, I played a round of golf yesterday and the walking to get the ball was a heck of a lot more tiring than the simulated swing you have to do on the Wii.  (Also the walking through the woods and swamps is a good workout, which is why I hit the ball there.) The point is kids need exercise, and maybe more sun.  Video games provide good entertainment and social interaction.  (Especially now that the ratio of girls to guys is down to 1 in 75).  It also still fosters a geek interest in computers, which can lead to some pretty good job prospects if you develop it.

The video game culture is now part of our society, more than it ever was.  It's moved out of the dingy arcades to the dingy basements of mothers, true, but it's adopting more and more disciples into its folds.  The people who grew up on it, are now shaping your society, and the generation that follows will only increase that.  Mind you, they don't only have 3 lives now so they have some things to learn still about conservation, but we'll work on that too.

P.S.  I'm keeping the title.

Some things I learned

Hello all...  I've missed you!  I know it's been a while since I've put anything up, and I promise you it's not because I haven't wanted to.  Sometimes life gets in the way, and sometimes I'm just too lazy. 

I am approaching my 39th birthday in a few days and feeling my age a little.  I expect that when I turn 93, I might read this and laugh at the young whippersnapper who has the gall to say that 39 is old.  But as is the case with everyone, the age you are makes up 100% of your life, and thus, seems like a lifetime.  In theory it is middle age.  I'm OK with that.  I will only have one 39th birthday, and I look forward to becoming a crotchety old man...

Secret to long life?  A steady diet of whiskey and whores!

We as a society don't tend to value the elderly as we should.  We also forget that they have tend to have more life experience, awesome rambling stories, strange smells, and they may have kicked more ass in one can of whoop than our namby pamby asses could ever hope to.  They didn't have all the life easy making technology we had.  I mean, I called out the Millennium generation for being a bunch of snot nosed brats.  Grandpa survived polio pandemics, lead and asbestos paint, wall street crashes, and disco.  He also punched Nazi's for fun. Think about that next time you bitch how hard done by you are because your smartphone is a little slow looking stuff up.

So while I know I can't offer you as much as grandpa could have, he's not here, and probably wouldn't know what to do with a blog if I slowly and painfully explained to him how social media connects the world, and how to put his outdated racist thoughts out there for everyone to read.  Also, I kinda hope that if he could work the internet that he'd be surfing porn instead.  He deserves it.

So instead, I am going to offer you somethings that I've learned in my 39 years on this planet.

1.  A lot of things I know are obvious.

I'm no genius.  There are many who are way smarter than me, and I don't pretend to be an absolute expert on anything.  Many things I will talk about you may already know.  I figure I've probably never had an original thought in my life.  The observations I've made have been made by others, and probably they've drawn the same conclusions that I have.  I guess the only thing that I might be able to do is to enlighten you what my perspective is on things that are obvious.  So you may not learn any new facts by reading my blog, but if you do, then I guess I should be happy.  I'm just saying, don't expect any new revelations from reading this.  If anything maybe you can walk away with a new way of looking what you already know, and if you do, then I guess than I did a good job.

2.  Boobs are great!

Sorry, I lost my train of thought.

What's that I said about obvious again?  There's just something about boobs.  They are truly a wonderful thing.  Not only do they look great, feed the young, help perpetuate the species by attracting men to women, look great, are fun to play with and to have played with, drive the economy by their natural advertising qualities, and given bras something to do more than just hold coconuts; they may be one of the soul reasons humans have evolved into the dominant species on the earth. 

Of course the biological reason for the boob is for mothers to feed their young.  If breast feeding propaganda is to be believed, this helps create a bond between mother and child.  That coupled with the fact that somewhere deep in men's psyche they are attracted to boobs because they are trying re-capture that bond and are drawn to women in a way that creates a family unit.  The family unit is stronger than the individual person as multiple people who are connected by love work as a team. and have more strengths.  Those teams dominating individuals have taught us that the group is stronger than the individual, and thus groups of families are stronger than one family.  Following this train of thought, by maintaining groups of humans together who have common interests, we've made cities, and countries, and essentially civilization.  (Opposable thumbs help as well.)  So the next time you are sitting back in your home enjoying a beer, instead of being eaten by a bear....  Thank boobs.

Thanks Boobs!

3.  Truth is a matter of perspective.

Sorry, the boobs picture was way better.

There is such a thing as "The Truth".  It is an absolute.  It is the way things are, completely and unquestionably right.  It has no morals, no reason, and no accountability.  It is just the way things are, period.  (Was that 'period' necessary?)

We all observe the truth every moment of our conscious lives.  (Probably the unconscious parts of our lives as well.  I can't say.)  We observe it through all our senses.  We take it, process it, interpret it, and it becomes our reality.

The issue of perspective comes from the fact that all humans are different and unique.  Everyone has a different biological make up, and even those with similar DNA has been shaped by different life experiences.  As such no two peoples interpretation of the truth are the same.  So while the absolute truth is unwavering, everyone observes it differently based on their perspective, so everyone's personal truth is biased to themselves, and we can NEVER know 'The Truth' even though it exists.

Anyway, my point is this...  The next time you are talking to someone who you are sure is completely wrong and a moron, or someone who seems really smart, but has ideas which are completely misguided, remember they see the same truth as you.  Their life experiences and genetic makeup has just given them a different perspective on the exact same thing that you have seen.  In fact maybe your the moron, because what you 'know' is absolutely wrong.  Take some time and listen to everyone's perspective no matter how skewed it is from your own.  You'll add to your own experience, and create a more well rounded personal vision of truth.

(Just a quick note, I have my songs on shuffle right now, and I have learned something new.  Britney Spears' 'Oops I Did It Again's ending and Skid Row's 'Eighteen and Life to Go's beginning mixes extremely well into each other.  It's almost scary.)

4.  Britney Spears - Sebastian Bach from Skid Row

Might be the same person, I'm not sure.

5.  No one can make you happy but you.

Bad skit, good life lesson.

 I find that most people are always looking for the next thing in their lives, and they forget to enjoy what they have.  We look to things, people, events, TV, Movies, books, and all other external stimuli to make them happy.  I'm not immune from this either.  Most of the pursuits in my life are based on finding things to give me pleasure.  (This includes selfish interests such as video games and technology, and selfless things like family and doing things for friends.)  Even things I hate doing are generally done to give myself the means to put myself in a position where I will get gratification.

It doesn't matter however what you do, what you have, who your with, or where you are, (or any combination the previous statements.), YOU are always going to be there.  You don't have a choice in the matter.  You simply can't escape that you are stuck with yourself.  No matter what you do to try and escape yourself, the best you can do is maybe alter your ego's perception of yourself.  

So you might as well like yourself.  Learn to find happiness just being you, and then no matter what you do, at least you'll have yourself to keep you happy.  People who have learned this lesson can be more happy with nothing than those who try and fill their emptiness with other things.  

People also tend to like people who like themselves.  When I was young I tried to be what I thought people wanted me to be.  Generally it made me unhappy, and wasn't effective.  I then learned that I can be a total goofball spastic geek who is true to myself, and people responded to me much better.  Maybe I just attracted other spastic geeks, but if that's the case, I'd much rather hang out with them, then all the 'cool' people in the world.  (Did I just call all my friends spastic geeks?  Maybe.  I don't see that as a negative.)

6.  Everyone is Evil.

I am going to feed on your soul for fun.

I truly believe that we all have super dark thoughts.  Thoughts that are not morally correct.  Thoughts that are not politically correct.  Thoughts that we could get arrested for if we were to admit them to anyone. I believe that pregidous is natural, and inherent in all life.  Morality is a question of perspective and societies perceived 'right' way of doing things.  While most of us live by that code, most of us also disagree with a lot of it.

While I don't think I would ever murder anyone, I can't say that it hasn't seriously crossed my mind that it might be an appropriate thing to do.  Not even for any good reason.  There are many completely inappropriate racist jokes which I happen to find hilarious.  I think that recycling is a waste of time, and that we only do it to make ourselves feel better about horrible treatment of nature in the first place.  I sometimes think that homeless people are a blight on society, and should be dealt with harshly.  I think that the sex trade has a place in our society, and is way more empowering to the workers than anyone will ever admit.  I believe that Rebecca Black's 'Friday' is actually a pretty good representation of modern pop culture and should be appreciated as art.

What's more I think that the majority of people agree with me on some of these points and probably a whole bunch more that I can't admit here.  However as these subjects are taboo, they can't be mentioned to anyone ever, for fear of judgment and retribution for not having clean thoughts.  Even those who have an opposite perspective to yours, they still have thoughts that are just as taboo as yours.  

It's comforting to know that there are others who think the same evil thoughts you do.  Even if they never admit it.  It's natural to think evil thoughts.  Just draw the line at acting out on the ones which cross your own personal line of morality.

6.  I talk way too much...

My last lecture.

My friends with ADD tell me that my stories are way too long.  They're a bunch of jerks.  They'll never know I wrote that, so I don't feel bad.  My friends with normal attention spans tell me my stories are too long.  They're probably right.  I appreciate them all.  I don't listen to them mind you, but at least they are nice people.  My friends who have hyper attentiveness tell me my stories are right, and ask for more detail.  They are masochists, and I love them all.  

I love to give detail, and will go on to the Nth degree about everything if given the chance.  Sometimes you need to know when to shut up.

Are you sick of Movember yet?

Hey everyone!

OK, so I have a question for you?  Well if you read the title, I think maybe you might already have the question.

If not, read the title.  I mean really, you haven't scrolled down too far yet...  Odds are you can just look up.  Of course if your resolution is horrible, maybe I should just restate it.  Are you sick of Movember yet?

With 'staches this awesome?  I don't think so.

Before we go any further, let me be straight with you.  I am a full supporter of Movember, and will shamelessly plug my page:  (http://mobro.co/mrclaus)  Movember is a great cause.  For all you aren't aware, or just wonder why there's so many more hairy lips this month, I'll give you a brief explanation.  In the month of Movember, all participants in the 'Mo Movement' shave themselves clean on November 1st, and grow whatever they can on their upper lip for the month.  This is men's answer to the 'Pink Ribbon' campaign promoting awareness of breast cancer.  However, the 'Hair Ribbon' is to promote awareness of prostate cancer and men's health issues.  Now the more ambitious of the growers actively try and raise money as well.  I am ambitious.  That's why I'm hoping you'll click on my link and donate anything.  I'll take a nickle if you are willing.  Donations over $20 will get a tax receipt.  Larger donations will earn you my affections and favours.  That's right...  I have no problem whoring out my dignity out for this charity.  Simply make the request, and the proposed donation to me, and I will probably do it.  A good example of this is the now infamous blue moustache of 2011. Yep, it's on YouTube and my Facebook.  Search 'Blue Moustache' in YouTube, and you'll find my smilling visage:  Or just watch it here...

So for $40 dollars I was asked to mascara my mo for a day.  (As a dirty blonde my 'stache is a little hard to see in the beginning, or in the end for that matter.)  So after being mocked all month long, my friend Maggie at work and my sister offered a donation to dye it for the day.  And doubled it if I were to dye it blue.

One fine looking moustache!

So the blue moustache was born.  And I looked pretty fine if I do say so myself.  I don't have any requests yet this year...  But I am 100% open.  Leave me a comment, or message on my donation page.  Did I mention the address?  (http://mobro.co/mrclaus) But friends, I didn't ask you here to plug my efforts this year.  (Although please, please, please, donate.)  I came here on the premise to talk about people being sick of Movember.

Lately I've been hearing grumblings that Movember has lost it's meaning.  That now it's just a bunch of kids, growing moustaches because it's the thing to do, not because they want to raise awareness or money for the cause.  I guess that's pretty fair.  I kind of felt that way last year by the end as well.  When I started doing this 6 years ago no-one had really heard of it.  I had to explain to everyone why I all of the sudden looked like Freddie Mercury's chubbier cousin?  The next year, I got a few friends to join me.  The year after that, a few more...  but there were still holdouts telling me that they'd prefer NOT to look like pedophiles.  Thank you.

OK, so searching for a picture of pedophines in Google Images is grim.  Don't do it.

As we went, though more and more people joined in, and in fact record numbers of money are raised every year through the initiative as record people join in.  Having said that though as things become mainstream and commercialized, they lose their meaning.  People are doing it to be part of the crowd.  Cool factor is lost as people join.  To paraphrase Naomi Klien...  Once something hits the mall, it's not longer cool.  You can definetly buy 'Movember' t-shirts at the mall.

So if it's not cool and it's been over played....  Then people must be starting to get sick of it.  I've been hearing rumblings of it from several sources, and I understand.

You know who's not getting sick of it though?  Victims of cancer.  Anything we can do to help them is worth it.  Even if only 1% of the people are actively raising money.

This year I took it a step further...  I shaved my head for the cause, because I wanted to show this was about more than growing a Mo to join the crowd.  A lot of people who get prostrate cancer lose their hair.  I could too.  A small price to pay to get people to realize this isn't just a bunch of douche bags getting together to annoy women with scratchy kisses for a month.  This isn't about fitting in with the crowd.  This is about helping those who need it, and stamping out a disease which will kill 1 in 36 men.  After I shaved my head and posted it on Facebook, I got this comment...



You know?  I'm not sick of Movember after all.

Please donate:  mobro.co/mrclaus

Matt Sells Out

Well hello everyone, and welcome to this instalment of the Meandering Mind of Matt.  Well, I've decided to put my money where my mouth is and sell out.  I've always really felt that Capitalism is the most effective means of innovation.  Greed simply is the best way to drive forth innovation and society, and if I can put the interests of corporations over that of humans perhaps then I can finally afford one of those sweet Lamborghini's I've wanted since high school.

Gorgeous and environmentally friendly

So to this point I've been giving away my thoughts for free, but that's not paying the bills.  Well except the thoughts that I get paid for at work, but those aren't nearly as fun as these ones are, so it's time for me to start getting paid for doing this as well.  So to that end, I have signed up to be a shill for Google AdSense.  Look over to the right...  You see those ads over there?  Those are there courtesy of AdSense.  So essentially what happens is AdSense reads my blog, picks out key words from my blog, and then chooses ads for corporations who seem to share my thoughts and brand ideas.  They then post ads next to my blog for said corporations and I get paid.

So for instance, if I were to mention SWEATY DONKEY BALLS in my blog, in theory I should get ads for something which endorses donkey balls.  For surely there could be no corporations that would do that right?



Oh....

Of course, I don't just get paid for having the ads there.  For me to make money, I actually have to have people click on the ads.  So that's right, if you haven't clicked on an ad yet, your sitting there freeloading of my words and thoughts. 



This is you eating my brain non ad-clickers!

Of course, having said that, one of the rules of being on AdSense that that I can't actually tell you to click the ads.  For some reason they feel like that's cheating.  People who click the ads, have to do so on their own free will.  So PLEASE do not click on the ads unless it something that you want to do without my influence.  The only thing I can do is help you along is type words in that will pull up ads that you actually want to click on.

FREE ROCK CONCERT TICKETS!
FREE VIDEO GAMES!
FREE SHOES!
BOOBS!  LOTS OF BOOBS!!!

Boy, do I know my demographics.  Well, at the very least I know that most of my friends will like one of things on the above list.  And I put shoes on there, because women love shoes right?  Ummm, OK, I'll admit it, I still don't understand women. 

Another me?  I'm a little scared.

So as well, I'm not allowed to click on the ads myself, not even to test them out.  That hardly seems fair does it?  I mean I guess they don't want me padding my clicks and thinking that I'm going to buy the things the ads bring up.  Which doesn't really seem fair does it?  I mean what if some awesome ad for a free video game concert surrounded by boobs comes up?  I'm not allowed to click it!  Someone else had better type that in as well, and I can find their blog I suppose.  Of course I don't know too many people that have the same thoughts as me.  Or at least any that have a forum like this where they dare share them.

So having said that...  I feel  a little like Wayne giving it up for the choice of a new generation.

Yeah Baby, Yeah!

Although brilliant satire, Pepsi Co. paid a lot to have that scene put in the movie.  So Wayne making fun of sell-outs by selling out.  How does one do this without being a hypocrite?  It's simple, one embraces the devil, and accepts that corporations are our overlords.  Some have a good sense of humour perhaps, but all own us, and as soon as we can accept that, the sooner we can start to enjoy our lives of captivity.

Support 3rd world industry at ridiculously low prices

I mean lets face facts, we live in a consumer world, and the only way its going to work is if corporations can give us consumers what we are looking for.  The most effective way of doing this is advertising.  And in this day of PVRs allowing us to skip commercials, and downloaded Internet TV shows, advertising agencies need to adapt from there traditional ways.  I'm pretty sure my blog can be that way.  Who cares if I don't personally endorse some of the business practises of the corporations right?  I mean I can be a vessel for them to send their message across without supporting child labour right?  Michael Jordan is an ambassador for the sport of basketball, a stand up member of the community, a pillar of society.  Nike is not known for their fair treatment of their workers.  In fact, the word sweat shop often comes up when talking about the manufacturing of the swoosh shoe.

Michael Jordan isn't evil right?

Ummmm....  Nuts.

Okay....  I'm having a little bit of an issue here.  I'm really trying to justify putting these ads on my blog, but I don't know that I can in good conscious...  What if my ironic commentary starts to bring ironic t-shirt ads?  Then what if hipsters start flooding to my website, leaving comments about the 'Sleigh Bells' (You haven't heard of them.) and copying my style, yet again.   That's right, I was geek before they were hipsters.  What posers.

Oh, one last rule, I have to keep things clean and non-controversial.  I mean, insulting Google AdSense, Wal*Mart, Pepsi, Mike Myers, Michael Jordan, The Sleigh Bells, Hipsters, Donkey Balls and that crazy kitten can't be all that bad.  However, I could have my ads pulled if they don't like what I have to say.  Worst case scenario, they could possibly censor me.

Will I be punished by Ad-Sense?

I refuse to be censored!  If they even try, I'm going to BE super mad!  I absolutely refuse to abide by their rules!!!  I am my own person,and my thoughts are my own.  If they try to shut me up, I will politely refuse, and then continue writing.  But I'm sure that would never happen.

So in conclusion, please don't click on the ads because I told you to, click on them because you too want to sell out to the corporate overlords.  Buy things and make the economy work.  Support things, and not humanity.  And above all, don't think of selling out as a bad thing.  Think of it as understanding that the world works better if we all work together and stop being individuals and obey those who know best.  Like me...

Absolutely hilarious censored caption goes here.

The Sunwing Fiasco

So this wasn't my vacation, but recent research has shown
that boobs as my title picture earns more hits! 

So I'm USUALLY a pretty happy go lucky guy.  Very much go with the flow, enjoy where life takes you, <insert your own inspirational cliche here.>, type dude who doesn't get rattled very easily. 

Often, you'll find me smiling, and high fiving people for fun, and complimenting others on how awesome they are too!  (Yes I know what the 'too' implies, and I'm good with my conceitedness.)

This means Mattie is about to explode...

However if you see me overly happy, like singing 'Sharon Lois and Bram' songs when I have no earth reason to be doing so, that might be a warning.  I don't know why 'Skinamarinky Dinky Dink' is such a good anger release for me, but it really works.  Usually accompanied by a large grin on my face etched on in stone, and a crazed look in my eyes.  This means I'm upset.  (Or possibly I just had an orgasm...  Only I know the difference.) 

Anyhow, I'm going to tell you a tale of a little company called Sunwing, and how they ruined one day of my life.  But as with anything crazy fiasco, I came out with a reasonably good story, so it's all worth it.  Plus my 'Elephant Song' skills got so well practiced, Bram had better watch out.

So...  Last year in July I decided to take a trip to Rome.  I was flying solo as I had been having considerable personal issues, and decided I needed to get away to sort my head out.  I had always wanted to go to Rome, and had the opportunity, so I jumped on it.  (I was told afterwards it was kind of the plot of 'Eat, Pray, Love', but that is not near manly enough, so I will call it 'Rambo goes to Italy').

Maybe my worst photoshop ever.

So I booked a do-it-yourself vacation through the Flight Centre at Limeridge through a kind of cute Italian girl.  She set me up with a hotel, a flight, an assurance that I could take the train from the airport to downtown Rome, and get a quick subway to my hotel with ease, and her phone number.  Well, it might have been a phone number to the Flight Centre, but at my age you take what you can get.  (On a side note, she just emailed me the other day saying she hadn't seen me in a while.  And uh... that she had some great deals to Spain.)  All was set, I was good to go for a weeks vacation in the Eternal City.

This bear represents my level of stress at the beginning of my trip...

Now when you fly from Toronto to Rome, you should know it is about a 8-9 hour flight.  With the time change, I set my flight to leave at 10pm so I could arrive in Rome in the early afternoon and have the evening to explore.  I arrived at the airport early, and had a lovely dinner with my parents who dropped me off.  Calmly meandered through security, laughing at those dopes who were stressed out and late for their flights, generally being in total vacation mode and not having a care in the world!  I found my way down to the gate I was leaving from, checked that the flight was Sunwing Toronto to Rome, and then settled in at the bar to get a beer.  (Tuborg if I recall correctly.) After a couple of pops and a pleasant chat with the bartender, I wandered back to my gate with about an hour until flight time.  (About 9 pm.)

I found it a little odd that they hadn't started the boarding procedures yet, making announcements, getting the old farts and people who need a little extra time lined up and the like, but stress was not a word in my vocabulary.  I updated my facebook, smiled at the woman sitting across from me, and pulled out my airplane novel.  (I always bring a book to read on planes.)  If I'd been paying attention, I'd have noticed that the sign changed from On-Time to Delayed.  I wasn't. 

9:45 rolled around and finally they started making announcements.  (Really late for this sort of thing in my opinion, but at least things were moving.)  First off they apologized for the delay, but they were having technical difficulties and that the flight was to be delayed for 3 hours, and would be leaving at 1 am.  However, for our inconvenience we were more than welcome to help ourselves to a $10 food voucher to get a bite to eat while waiting.  There were upset to angry level groans from all the passengers waiting in the lounge, and that pleasant lady sitting across from me slapped her leg in disgust so audibly people turned their heads to look.  I suspect she got a bruise.  I myself, being Mr. non-stress,  decided that's OK.  I'd rather they fix the plane then put us on defective flight.

OMG I HAVE TO BE FIRST IN LINE!!!!

While the rest the passengers rushed the clerks at the desk for their coupons, I sat back and read my book a little more.  Hell I knew I was going to be there for 3 more hours at least, no rush, the restaurants aren't going anywhere.  Although the relative level of stress was going up in the room, and that will rub off on anyone.  I did the math and figured that I'd arrive in Rome around 6, which meant my evening stroll was out, but I could still hit some nightlife perhaps.  C'est la vie...  I smiled to myself, not quite a Sharon, Lois and Bram level smile, but the beginning of less than perfect.  After the crowd had left, I wandered up and got my voucher.  The clerk apologized profusely...  I told him not to worry about it, these things happen, thanked him and gave him a winning smile.  He looked visibly relieved.  I'd guess the last 50 people told him where to go, how to get there, and several options of things he could do when he arrived.

Canadian medical system at it's best.

I wandered back over to the bar, sat down at my seat, and looked at the crazy lineup at the grill.  No way I was going in that thing, another beer is just what the doctor ordered.  I asked my bartender who looked a little frazzled after this sudden unexpected rush if my coupon was good for Tuborg, and he explained calmly that it wasn't.  Not completely unexpected, so I ponied up the cash, settled down at the bar, and took a sip of that icy cold joy.  A brief conversation with my barkeep let me know that he was supposed to close down at 11:00, and now at 10:30 and a lineup to the grill part out the door, there was no way that was happening.  I empathized with him, and let him know he was appreciated.  He laughed and told me that I'd better get some food if I wanted some, as the grill closing at 11 thing might happen if I wanted it too or not, and then my coupon would be for not.  I looked over at the sandwich rack, and saw $10 worth of airport sushi, and asked him if I could pay him for that instead.  He said no problem, so I gave him the coupon, a tip and the last of my Canadian funds for one last beer and enjoyed my meal surrounded by angry vacationers, the smile on my face now locked into place, humming quietly to myself.

So midnight rolls around, and most people got fed and started grumbling and shuffling back to the gate.  Sure this was a pain, but at least we'd be boarding soon and getting on our way.  I strolled back, a little worse for wear, but ultimately still in an OK mood, and sat down on a bench and pulled my book out again.  The delayed until 1 am sign was still prominently displayed on the board, so everything was still status quo.  The clerks were still busy fielding questions from angry customers, but I suppose that was to be a little expected.

Average crowd reaction

Then the loudspeaker sounded again.  I smiled waiting for the soothing sounds of 'We will begin boarding...'.  I was disappointed.  Once again the words poured from the speakers....  "We'd like to apologize."  The crowd groaned worse than before, I wondered if slappy leg lady just punched her husband in the face.  "The flight from Toronto to Rome has once again been delayed and will postponed until 10 am tomorrow morning.  Please return to Terminal 1 at 7am tomorrow morning to get your new ticket and arrive through security.  Those customers who need accommodations for the night please see the clerks."  Or something like that anyway.  There were shouts of discontent and outright anger from the customers, and the mob swarmed the desk of the two unfortunate Sunwing employees who were scheduled to be there with no direction from management who I am sure were sleeping snuggly in their beds made of our money.

One of them asked us loudly to please be calm, while some customer were literally screaming at them.  They had to call the police, which may have been a bit of an over-reaction, but honestly I'm pretty sure one fellow was ready to get into fisticuffs with them.

I sat back on the bench knowing that I didn't want to get to the front of that line.  I had no car, and the drive back to my home was about an hour, so I figured they'd put me into a hotel for the night, so I could at least get a couple hours sleep, and get to Rome about...  2am?  GOD DAMN IT!!!!  Now I've lost a day in Rome because of mother f***'n Sunwing's incompetence.   I mean get a replacement plane in or something.  Then I calmed down.  This sucked, but ultimately it still could have been a lot worse.  Besides, I got a live version of Cops happening right in front of me, and Yelly McYellerson was about to get arrested.  (He didn't, for some reason the spectre of a large peace officer seemed to calm him down two pegs.)  I continued to Facebook the whole experience.  Take a look at my timeline in July 2011 for the full as it happened details.

#Occupy Sunwing

So everyone went up to the desk to get their hotel accommodations, or they were offering limos to those who lived close by.  By my math, if I took the limo, I'd likely get out of the airport by 1:30 to 2, be back in Hamilton by 3, sleep for 2 hours, get up and come back.  That sounded awful, so I figured I'd go for the hotel, and get 4 hours sleep.  I wandered over to the back of the line, and heard mumblings that since it was so late there were no hotel rooms left.  Figuring that the grapevine is usually correct, I started softly singing under my breath...  "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?" and formed a plan on how to handle this.  I got up to the desk and smiled at the clerk who was a little more frazzled than before.  He apologized like he had said it about 500 too many times, and asked if I needed a ride.

Now that's comfort!

I explained my situation, and that a hotel room would be much more suitable for my needs.  His face dropped, and launched into a speech he had also said more that a few times. "I apologize, but we are out of hotel rooms, and we need to reserve them for people who are out of limo range...  etc.)  I said, I understood and then did some math for him.  A limo ride from Toronto to Hamilton runs about $150 each way.  That's $300 Sunwing would have to pay so I could get 2 hours sleep.  How about instead, you give me a $20 coupon for breakfast in the morning, and I'd be happy to curl up in the lounge here for the night, and at least get a little sleep.  He looked at me like I just spoke some sort of crazy moon man language.

"I'm sorry sir we can't do that.  We can get you a limo if you like."  So I again asked if Sunwing was aware that $300 was a lot more than $20, and that this was totally OK with me to be compensated less.  He said again, he was sorry, that he didn't have the power to make that decision.  So I shrugged, said OK, and took my limo voucher.

Airport Security:  Ignoring logic since 2001

Smile glued to my face, singing to myself I started walking back through Terminal to where you the limos are, I spotted a Police Officer leaving as well, so I walked over to him and said hi.  He wondered why I looked so happy, and I explained, I was chalking this up to "Shit Happens" and I could either scream or laugh at how stupid the whole situation was, so I might as well laugh for all the good it would do me.  He told me that was a pretty good attitude and we started chatting while walking to the exit/entrance.  On the way a whole bunch of my fellow passengers came up to him, and explained they had been rebuffed by security because you can't go through security the wrong way.  The officer laughed, and then led us like Moses through the Red Sea of red tape, and delivered us to the limos.  Luckily since I had waiting until the line had died down, I didn't have to wait very long for my ride.  I hopped in and said take me to Hamilton and asked if he had a Raffi tape we could listen to.  I also asked if he wanted to hang out at Tim Hortons for a couple hours and bring me back to the airport, because, really what was the point of going to bed.  It was the end of his shift, so he politely declined the weirdo who wouldn't stop smiling and sang childish songs.

He did however have a limo sent to me at 5:30 am, and dropped me off at home two get my two hours sleep and a Cappuccino made in my Tassimo.  That was as close to Italy as I got that day.

Day 2:

OK bear with me, I know this has been a long story so far, but it's almost over.  I just want to let you know how Sunwing  handled the next morning.

All rainbows!!!

So I got back into my limo, and arrived at the airport at 6:45. Smile still etched on my face, I made my way up to the ticket counter and approached the young lady working the check-in.  I explained that I was one of the happy customers who's flight to Italy was delayed, and who was asked to come back in this morning to continue my amazing adventure.

Her face went gravely serious, and she looked me straight in the eye and said...

"I'm sorry sir, that flight already left."

My reaction

Then she smiled again, and said:

"Oh I'm only kidding, but it did change gates, here let me get you a new boarding pass."

I'm not sure how many times she told that to people that morning, but I'm surprised slappy leg lady didn't get put up on murder charges.  All in all, it was pretty damn hilarious, but wow!  That's some balls.  (Also the fact that she was quite good looking helped.)

Anyhow, I'll save the rest of the details, but I got through security, paid for my own breakfast, got the gate switched twice, and finally got to board the plane on time.  (12 hours late on time that is.)

Ahhhh, who can stay mad at that...

As we were getting on the plane, there was one extra Sunwing employee there this morning apologizing and handing everyone a photocopied piece of paper.

"On behalf of Sunwing, we'd like to apologize for the delays, and we'd like you to have this gift from us to you to make up for any inconveniences this may have caused you, our valued customer."

I was moved...  My angry smile melted away, and a sincere smile replaced it.  Sharon, Lois and Bram were replaced in my heart by something much more appropriate.  Let's say Milli Vanilli.  It's nice to see that the big bad an evil corporation decided upon itself to make a gesture saying, I know we fucked up, and we're sorry.  You have plans and you decided to make Sunwing apart of it, and we dropped the ball.  We can't make up for the day in Rome you lost, but at least we can give you a little something back.

I sat down and got comfortable in my chair and opened the folded piece of paper, and read the following:

"We apologize for any inconvenience, please accept this voucher for $75 off your next Sunwing vacation. Valid until the end of the year."

There is no picture that can explain how angry this made me, so here is a duck.

So I guess my day of lost vacation which I spent multiple thousands of dollars on through Sunwing on was worth a $75 coupon which would expire before I got more vacation time.  As well the coupon was for a Sunwing vacation, which frankly I wouldn't book with again for anything less than free.  (Well I might spend as much as $75 on an all inclusive week to Cuba with Sunwing.)  But really, talk about a bad customer experience.  I threw the coupon out.

Needless to say, I do not endorse Sunwing, and will not being using them any time in the future.  I know this has been really long, but for those who held out through my entire long and boring story,  here's a coupon...

With my sincere apologies for the sheer length of this read.

Good, now go sing the "Elephant Song".