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Saturday, 30 June 2012

Obamacare isn't that bad.

Hey all,

I just wanted to send a quick note to all my American friends now that the Supreme courst approved Obamacare to let them know it's really not THAT bad.

Known for founding the UN, Universal Health Care,
and holding pencils like cigarettes.
Despite the influx of tweets threatening to move to Canada (, you should know that we have socialized medicine in Canada for a few years.   In the 60's our beloved Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson introduced it to us Canadians as a way to offer everyone, even those crazy Newfoundlanders a way to afford needed health care. Although 'Pearsoncare' was hotly debated, his minority governement was able to push it through, despite only having 43% of the popular vote.  As this was 1966, it was largely one of the contributing factors to the beginning of the "Hippie Movement", and perhaps one of the main reasons that now medical marijauna is now legal in Canada.  (Ed. - Citation Needed).

Anyhow, now that we've had it for a few years, I figured I could give my pals south of the border a little real insite into what Governement Health Care really means to Canadians, and not what you hear on your polarized news networks who pretty much tell you it's the work of the Devil, or a gift from a non-deity based miracle.

Drink beer and set off fireworks, or I'll send the armada!
First thing you should know is we are not a Democracy like you, we are a federal constitutionally monarchy which means we still have to worship the Queen.  This is done every May on Victoria Day weekend, marked be copious amounts of beer and explosives, which may be one of the main reasons we all need so much health care to begin with.  This means of course that our head of state, the queen, as represented by our governal general, can dictate who gets what health care based on a decision made on cases which must be brought to her on an individual basis.  All cases must be made in person without legal represntation.  If the health care needs are related to a voice related injury, (E.G.  Screaming too much at the local hockey team to 'Get off your asses and skate, eh!'), an official crown voice may be appointed for represntation.

But don't get me wrong, it's not that bad.  I'd say at least 75% of all applications are approved, and the other 25% are generally only denied because it's almost tea time, so they are just trying to rush through.  You can apply again in 6 months, or as little as 3 if you lose a limb directly due to the denial.

State of the art transportation and medical care facility.
After you get your application approved, you are put into a first class ambulance and brought directly to your local health care facility.  The triage nurse will look at you within 6 hours of your arrival, and generally tell you to put some ice on it.  Seeing as in Canada we have plenty of ice at all times, we find that this actually negates many of the more expensive health care costs.  As well it can be accomplished anytime by going outside an rolling around naked, which is something we Canucks enjoy doing regardless.

If indeed this doesn't resolve your medical emergency, you are given a medical grade Molson Canadian, to take off the pain, and given a cot, and 3 warm blankets.  You are then slid into a room with a TV to watch a hockey game or if that's not your taste to listen to Nickleback, Anne Murray, and the Tragically Hip.

The doctor, (his name is Maurice), generally gets to see you in about 7 hours and then fixes you, pats you on the head, gives you a governement approved lollipop and a perscription (in french and english) for medical marjiauna and a case of Molsons and sends you on your way.  Obviously, you wife is waiting for you, and you have to get back to your lumberjacking duties.

Now I kow what you're saying...  'Matt, that's all fine and dandy, but all those high tech medical procedures must cost a fortune, and there is no way my Blue Cross will ever approve that, even if the government pays for it.' 

Ed, our extremely friendly tax collector.
Well, not to worry friends!!!  It's all FREE!!!  The perscriptions, the dog sled, the ice doesn't cost you a thing.  Well, that's not entirely true, we do have to pay our taxes.  However, at a reasonable 95% of our salary, that's nothing!  Consider all the benefits we get for it.  Socialized health care, paved roads, education, subsidized curling matches, welfare, our arts and music council, Maurice and Ed's paycheck, an annual tribute of 5000 beaver and baby seal fur coats for her mejesty, and if there's a little left over the Prime Minister has a poutine party at his place, and EVERYONE is invited!  Well, not the natives, they don't HAVE to pay tax.

All in all, it's a win/win for everyone, and those evil insurance companies don't make a penny.  And really we're not 'Pinko Communists'.  We get to own land and start businesses, we can work as hard as you want and make as much money as you want. The great thing is in the north, the sun doesn't go down in the summer, and doesn't come up in the winter, so you work 6 months straight, with 15 minute breaks, and then you get to sleep for 6 months.  That's a lot of cash let me tell you!

Anyhow, you can see it's not really that bad.  What's more it works.  Our average life expectancy is 80.7, yours is 78.7.  Our infant mortality rate is 4.6% yours is 6.4%.  Our football teams are so healthy they only need 3 downs to make it 9.144 metres, yours needs 4 downs to make it 10 yards.  As you can see by these World Health Orginization standard measurements, you need to step your game a little bit to get on the ball.  I think Obamacare may give you that edge.  It's going to be okay, I promise you.  Your little brother in the north is doing just fine with it, and it is not because we only have 400 residents here, it's because the system works.  Now you'll pardon me, I have to go take my government sponsored meds, grab some potato chips, and go watch Cheech and Chong.  Now that's a great Canadian!

If he had a medical grade Molson's, he'd be fine.