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Sunday, 26 August 2012

My Dirty Fantasies

So I am always curious about what brings people to my blog. It's a most curious thing. I obviously get a bunch of hits when I first post a blog. Mostly from my friends who follow my facebook and twitter. (And the 3 people that follow me on Google+.) I can also see stats on when, where, and what search brought them to my blog. The searches interest me the most, because it gives me a good idea about what interests people enough to have them click on some strangers musings.

This picture is unrelated, but probably will increase
my blog hits by about 7 times.
So what are the most searched for things you ask? Well, you probably aren't asking this, but I'm going to tell you anyway. "Record Player" and "Surfing Unicorn" are number one and number two respectively. Both are from my blog "More Controversial Stuff From My Brain". The third is "Joel Higgins" ("Legend of Immortal Joel Higgins") and fourth is "Atheist vs. Christian" ("Atheists and Other Beliefs") Which by the way are my number two and one viewed blog both getting about 1.5 hits a day. My first ever blog (Blogging) has only 45 hits, and I don't expect it to ever get any more. It is kind of lame with no awesome pictures like the one shown here. Also, on an unrelated note. I do have one search of "skydiving loser" which brought someone to my page. Never have I brought up skydiving in all my ramblings although I probably have mentioned the word loser. I don't understand Google searches sometimes.
Check out my Movember pictures
if you really want to see a narcissist.
The other thing that I have found to the people I have talked to about my blog is that they are most likely to read my blog if it has an interesting title. I am sure this is why "Obamacare Isn't That Bad" despite being one of my personally funnier blogs and why "Language May be Offensive to Some" got 100 hits in a day. This may be why you clicked on this link, because My Dirty Fantasies sounds kind of sexy, and why you are probably disappointed that I've so far only done a lot of self promoting links.
What can I say, I'm a little narcissistic. The truth of the matter is this, this August for some reason I can't fathom, my blog has gotten over 100 hits more than any other month, despite only having one post. So since I have my personal best, I figure I might as well shoot the moon, and try and post something that should get a bunch of hits because it's sexy, fun, and mostly has a great picture of boobs on it. And lets face it who doesn't love boobs. Boobs boobs boobs! The more times I say it, the more likely it is to come up in your search engine. Hmmm... I wonder if there are any other websites that relate to boobs. I doubt it. The Internet is sooooo prudish!
Okay, well enough of the shameless self promotion. You came to hear my fantasies, and as promised you will hear them. (At least the few of you who actually read this far with out getting sick of the above prattling...
Nothing says sexy like Houndini's magic tricks...
I hate to say it, but my fantasies aren't exactly "50 Shades of Gray". In fact I've never read it, nor do I have the desire to. I understand the basic premise, and while I am sure this craze of "Mommy Porn" may be a band wagon worth hopping on, I probably won't be anytime soon. What does interest my more is the psychology of the dominant/submissive relationship mentioned in the book (at least I am told), and what draws people into these roles. Do people actually want be beaten and humiliated for fun? Do they hate their lives that much, or have so much guilt over past events that the only way they can feel better is to be on the receiving end of a restrained beating? Do others find the only way to feed their ego is to be punisher? Do they feel so powerless in their public life, that the only way to even things out is to reverse that role?

I'm sure there is way more to it than that, but my fantasy is less about experiencing that, but more about understanding it. In fact about understanding everything that people do. A colleague of mine last week admitted to me in a casual conversation that he had a copy of "Mein Kempf". Realizing what he had implied seconds later, he immediately tried to justify why he had a copy. He explained it was because he wanted to see what a mad man had been thinking and that all dictators should be scrutinized. He needed not justify himself, as I completely understand that feeling.
STEAMROLLER!!!!
If I had to make the proverbial genie wish, I think that I would wish to know and understand everything. Everything from the minds of the evil, religion, science, and the most mind boggling of all, women. Having thought about this, I do understand that if I were to have this wish come true that I would probably be confined to a mental institution shortly thereafter, as to know the absolute truth, and then try to survive in a world laden with lies would do nothing short of drive someone crazy. Still to know everything without doubt, without hesitation, without any sort of candy coating would truly be my number one fantasy.
The writers fantasy has me looking disheveled, and smoking a pipe.





The other major fantasy I have is to get paid for writing. This blog is a lot of fun and all, but it would be sweet to make money for it. I'm not about to give up a good career and put my family at risk or anything on the whim of a pipe dream, but I really do enjoy writing, so if I could get paid a wage that I could survive on, that would be my on my fantasy list.  In fact, I think all you freeloaders should stop reading my blog for free, and start sending me quarters.  (Email me at mattclaus74@gmail.com if you'd like to send me a quarter.)  Other fantasy careers include, baseball player that hits only home runs, hockey goalie who break dances whilst saving every puck, professional vacation go-er on-er, Joel Higgins' personal assistant, and guy that gets paid to surf YouTube.  If anyone wants to offer me any of the above jobs, please email the above.

My final fantasy is to have this picture stolen and made into a best selling t-shirt...

Number 1 image on Google for Surfing Unicorn!!!
That's right, I created it, and people keep searching for it.  I don't have nearly the ambition to do anything with this.  Sure I stole the image of the wave and the unicorn, but I put it together and added rainbows.  I would absolutely and positively stoked if someone put this on a t-shirt, and sold it.  I don't need credit, I don't need money.  All I need to know is that someone loved it enough to do it, and someone else thought it was good enough to buy.  I tell you what, if anyone wants it, send me an email, and I'll make it at cost.

Oh yeah, one more wish for a fantasy....


BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!


Be careful what you wish for....