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Saturday, 13 October 2012

Matt Sells Out

Well hello everyone, and welcome to this instalment of the Meandering Mind of Matt.  Well, I've decided to put my money where my mouth is and sell out.  I've always really felt that Capitalism is the most effective means of innovation.  Greed simply is the best way to drive forth innovation and society, and if I can put the interests of corporations over that of humans perhaps then I can finally afford one of those sweet Lamborghini's I've wanted since high school.

Gorgeous and environmentally friendly
So to this point I've been giving away my thoughts for free, but that's not paying the bills.  Well except the thoughts that I get paid for at work, but those aren't nearly as fun as these ones are, so it's time for me to start getting paid for doing this as well.  So to that end, I have signed up to be a shill for Google AdSense.  Look over to the right...  You see those ads over there?  Those are there courtesy of AdSense.  So essentially what happens is AdSense reads my blog, picks out key words from my blog, and then chooses ads for corporations who seem to share my thoughts and brand ideas.  They then post ads next to my blog for said corporations and I get paid.

So for instance, if I were to mention SWEATY DONKEY BALLS in my blog, in theory I should get ads for something which endorses donkey balls.  For surely there could be no corporations that would do that right?

Of course, I don't just get paid for having the ads there.  For me to make money, I actually have to have people click on the ads.  So that's right, if you haven't clicked on an ad yet, your sitting there freeloading of my words and thoughts. 

This is you eating my brain non ad-clickers!
Of course, having said that, one of the rules of being on AdSense that that I can't actually tell you to click the ads.  For some reason they feel like that's cheating.  People who click the ads, have to do so on their own free will.  So PLEASE do not click on the ads unless it something that you want to do without my influence.  The only thing I can do is help you along is type words in that will pull up ads that you actually want to click on.


Boy, do I know my demographics.  Well, at the very least I know that most of my friends will like one of things on the above list.  And I put shoes on there, because women love shoes right?  Ummm, OK, I'll admit it, I still don't understand women. 

Another me?  I'm a little scared.
So as well, I'm not allowed to click on the ads myself, not even to test them out.  That hardly seems fair does it?  I mean I guess they don't want me padding my clicks and thinking that I'm going to buy the things the ads bring up.  Which doesn't really seem fair does it?  I mean what if some awesome ad for a free video game concert surrounded by boobs comes up?  I'm not allowed to click it!  Someone else had better type that in as well, and I can find their blog I suppose.  Of course I don't know too many people that have the same thoughts as me.  Or at least any that have a forum like this where they dare share them.

So having said that...  I feel  a little like Wayne giving it up for the choice of a new generation.

Yeah Baby, Yeah!

Although brilliant satire, Pepsi Co. paid a lot to have that scene put in the movie.  So Wayne making fun of sell-outs by selling out.  How does one do this without being a hypocrite?  It's simple, one embraces the devil, and accepts that corporations are our overlords.  Some have a good sense of humour perhaps, but all own us, and as soon as we can accept that, the sooner we can start to enjoy our lives of captivity.

Support 3rd world industry at ridiculously low prices
I mean lets face facts, we live in a consumer world, and the only way its going to work is if corporations can give us consumers what we are looking for.  The most effective way of doing this is advertising.  And in this day of PVRs allowing us to skip commercials, and downloaded Internet TV shows, advertising agencies need to adapt from there traditional ways.  I'm pretty sure my blog can be that way.  Who cares if I don't personally endorse some of the business practises of the corporations right?  I mean I can be a vessel for them to send their message across without supporting child labour right?  Michael Jordan is an ambassador for the sport of basketball, a stand up member of the community, a pillar of society.  Nike is not known for their fair treatment of their workers.  In fact, the word sweat shop often comes up when talking about the manufacturing of the swoosh shoe.

Michael Jordan isn't evil right?
Ummmm....  Nuts.
Okay....  I'm having a little bit of an issue here.  I'm really trying to justify putting these ads on my blog, but I don't know that I can in good conscious...  What if my ironic commentary starts to bring ironic t-shirt ads?  Then what if hipsters start flooding to my website, leaving comments about the 'Sleigh Bells' (You haven't heard of them.) and copying my style, yet again.   That's right, I was geek before they were hipsters.  What posers.

Oh, one last rule, I have to keep things clean and non-controversial.  I mean, insulting Google AdSense, Wal*Mart, Pepsi, Mike Myers, Michael Jordan, The Sleigh Bells, Hipsters, Donkey Balls and that crazy kitten can't be all that bad.  However, I could have my ads pulled if they don't like what I have to say.  Worst case scenario, they could possibly censor me.

Will I be punished by Ad-Sense?
I refuse to be censored!  If they even try, I'm going to BE super mad!  I absolutely refuse to abide by their rules!!!  I am my own person,and my thoughts are my own.  If they try to shut me up, I will politely refuse, and then continue writing.  But I'm sure that would never happen.

So in conclusion, please don't click on the ads because I told you to, click on them because you too want to sell out to the corporate overlords.  Buy things and make the economy work.  Support things, and not humanity.  And above all, don't think of selling out as a bad thing.  Think of it as understanding that the world works better if we all work together and stop being individuals and obey those who know best.  Like me...

Absolutely hilarious censored caption goes here.