My Dirty Fantasies

So I am always curious about what brings people to my blog. It's a most curious thing. I obviously get a bunch of hits when I first post a blog. Mostly from my friends who follow my facebook and twitter. (And the 3 people that follow me on Google+.) I can also see stats on when, where, and what search brought them to my blog. The searches interest me the most, because it gives me a good idea about what interests people enough to have them click on some strangers musings.

This picture is unrelated, but probably will increase
my blog hits by about 7 times.

So what are the most searched for things you ask? Well, you probably aren't asking this, but I'm going to tell you anyway. "Record Player" and "Surfing Unicorn" are number one and number two respectively. Both are from my blog "More Controversial Stuff From My Brain". The third is "Joel Higgins" ("Legend of Immortal Joel Higgins") and fourth is "Atheist vs. Christian" ("Atheists and Other Beliefs") Which by the way are my number two and one viewed blog both getting about 1.5 hits a day. My first ever blog (Blogging) has only 45 hits, and I don't expect it to ever get any more. It is kind of lame with no awesome pictures like the one shown here. Also, on an unrelated note. I do have one search of "skydiving loser" which brought someone to my page. Never have I brought up skydiving in all my ramblings although I probably have mentioned the word loser. I don't understand Google searches sometimes.

Check out my Movember pictures
if you really want to see a narcissist.

The other thing that I have found to the people I have talked to about my blog is that they are most likely to read my blog if it has an interesting title. I am sure this is why "Obamacare Isn't That Bad" despite being one of my personally funnier blogs and why "Language May be Offensive to Some" got 100 hits in a day. This may be why you clicked on this link, because My Dirty Fantasies sounds kind of sexy, and why you are probably disappointed that I've so far only done a lot of self promoting links.

What can I say, I'm a little narcissistic. The truth of the matter is this, this August for some reason I can't fathom, my blog has gotten over 100 hits more than any other month, despite only having one post. So since I have my personal best, I figure I might as well shoot the moon, and try and post something that should get a bunch of hits because it's sexy, fun, and mostly has a great picture of boobs on it. And lets face it who doesn't love boobs. Boobs boobs boobs! The more times I say it, the more likely it is to come up in your search engine. Hmmm... I wonder if there are any other websites that relate to boobs. I doubt it. The Internet is sooooo prudish!

Okay, well enough of the shameless self promotion. You came to hear my fantasies, and as promised you will hear them. (At least the few of you who actually read this far with out getting sick of the above prattling...

Nothing says sexy like Houndini's magic tricks...

I hate to say it, but my fantasies aren't exactly "50 Shades of Gray". In fact I've never read it, nor do I have the desire to. I understand the basic premise, and while I am sure this craze of "Mommy Porn" may be a band wagon worth hopping on, I probably won't be anytime soon. What does interest my more is the psychology of the dominant/submissive relationship mentioned in the book (at least I am told), and what draws people into these roles. Do people actually want be beaten and humiliated for fun? Do they hate their lives that much, or have so much guilt over past events that the only way they can feel better is to be on the receiving end of a restrained beating? Do others find the only way to feed their ego is to be punisher? Do they feel so powerless in their public life, that the only way to even things out is to reverse that role?

I'm sure there is way more to it than that, but my fantasy is less about experiencing that, but more about understanding it. In fact about understanding everything that people do. A colleague of mine last week admitted to me in a casual conversation that he had a copy of "Mein Kempf". Realizing what he had implied seconds later, he immediately tried to justify why he had a copy. He explained it was because he wanted to see what a mad man had been thinking and that all dictators should be scrutinized. He needed not justify himself, as I completely understand that feeling.

STEAMROLLER!!!!

If I had to make the proverbial genie wish, I think that I would wish to know and understand everything. Everything from the minds of the evil, religion, science, and the most mind boggling of all, women. Having thought about this, I do understand that if I were to have this wish come true that I would probably be confined to a mental institution shortly thereafter, as to know the absolute truth, and then try to survive in a world laden with lies would do nothing short of drive someone crazy. Still to know everything without doubt, without hesitation, without any sort of candy coating would truly be my number one fantasy.

The writers fantasy has me looking disheveled, and smoking a pipe.

The other major fantasy I have is to get paid for writing. This blog is a lot of fun and all, but it would be sweet to make money for it. I'm not about to give up a good career and put my family at risk or anything on the whim of a pipe dream, but I really do enjoy writing, so if I could get paid a wage that I could survive on, that would be my on my fantasy list.  In fact, I think all you freeloaders should stop reading my blog for free, and start sending me quarters.  (Email me at mattclaus74@gmail.com if you'd like to send me a quarter.)  Other fantasy careers include, baseball player that hits only home runs, hockey goalie who break dances whilst saving every puck, professional vacation go-er on-er, Joel Higgins' personal assistant, and guy that gets paid to surf YouTube.  If anyone wants to offer me any of the above jobs, please email the above.

My final fantasy is to have this picture stolen and made into a best selling t-shirt...

Number 1 image on Google for Surfing Unicorn!!!

That's right, I created it, and people keep searching for it.  I don't have nearly the ambition to do anything with this.  Sure I stole the image of the wave and the unicorn, but I put it together and added rainbows.  I would absolutely and positively stoked if someone put this on a t-shirt, and sold it.  I don't need credit, I don't need money.  All I need to know is that someone loved it enough to do it, and someone else thought it was good enough to buy.  I tell you what, if anyone wants it, send me an email, and I'll make it at cost.

Oh yeah, one more wish for a fantasy....

BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!  BOOBS!

Be careful what you wish for....

Generation X - Still whining after all these years.

Some things stick in my mind and I'm not sure why.  One thing I loved as a kid was Mad Magazine.  I don't even know if Mad Magazine exists anymore, although I'm sure that it's on the web somewhere.



Smells like Nostalgia

It really was quite a brilliant magazine, and I enjoyed everything about it.  I would digest every article.  Even though today's generation doesn't really ever need to know what a magazine is, I'd recommend checking it out.  One particular joke I recall was " "It's scary to think that tomorrow's teenagers will have to come up with music loud and distasteful enough to offend parents who grew up loving the Beastie Boys." I still remember all that joke after years, because it always made me think what would offend my generation.  The truth is the Beastie Boys were certainly not the most offencive band my generation produced, although they did encourage me to fight for my right to party.  Still that's pretty standard.  Twisted Sister also told me I didn't have to take it, Motley Crue told me I had to smoke in the boys room and Weird Al told a generation to Eat It.


What really stuck out though to me was that Baby Boomer writer was really out of touch thinking that my music was loud and distasteful.  I'm sure that he listened to some crap like the Rolling Stones, Beatles, or perhaps Mozart, you know, those OLD people.  I listened to Megadeth, RUN DMC, and Right Said Fred.



Brilliant Lyrics and totally
heterosexual music. 
(Not that there's anything
wrong with that.)

But his generation always had bad things to say about us X'ers.  We were lazy, unmotivated, didn't want McJobs, and we were a bunch of whiners. 

The Baby Boomers have all the good jobs.  We'll have to take care of the ageing population when they retire.  Your killing the environment and the O-Zone.  You old fogies are selfish and you don't understand our generation man!  We're not lazy, we just have nothing to motivate us. 



My point is we came off as a bunch of lazy self-entitled whiners, misunderstood by the old fogies, refusing to grow up and take responsibilities, and thinking that plaid shirts and Doc Martens were awesome. 





Spoiler Alert:  They totally are!

I think in retrospect we had some pretty good points though.  The Baby Boomers really were a pretty hefty generation that learnt that birth control meant a higher standard of living.  Less kids meant less had to be spent on kids.  A generation that started out protesting Vietnam police actions and living for peace love and dope, ended up being the corporate climbers and being the selfish generation, living for 'me'.  Yuppies was an evil word, and that's what they were.  (Not you mom and dad, you did great.)  ;)

Over all we felt forgotten, we felt lost, we felt like we had no direction.  We yelled loudly and no one payed attention.  One thing though...  We would NEVER grow up to be our parents.  We'd show our kids how be awesome, and give them the respect we never got.

Fast Forward 20 years...

We're all winners here!

Kids today don't know how good they got it!  Talk about a selfish generation!  For some reason they all expect to succeed without trying.  They are willing to knuckle down and work for a living.  They do nothing but play video games and text on their phones.  They don't listen to reason.  For some fool reason they think that everyone deserves a trophy even if they come in last place!  We raised a generation of wimps, and how on earth do we expect them to take over our hard-earned middle management jobs when these snot nosed kids can't won't even flip a burger.  I'm sorry, but updating your 'Myspacebook twitter' account and typing with your thumbs doesn't count as a skill.

 

And while we are on the subject, learn to spell and use grammar.  Acronyms are not even on the radar in real English.  If you have to type things out, learn how to properly articulate yourself using real words! 



God Damn Right!



Back in my day we played outside, got in trouble, didn't wear helmets, climbed trees, ate mud, skinned our knees, and got minor concussions, and we liked it that way.  We survived.  We are still here.  Today's kids are so mamby pamby, I swear bubble wrap is going to be the next fashion trend.  (In fairness though, to all who make this argument...  Those who didn't survive those childhood adventures aren't here to give the other side of the story.)  When I was a kid I walked to school by myself or with a friend at the age of 6.  It was probably 500 meters away.  Can you imagine that happening today?  The parents would be arrested.

In retrospect, I'm pretty sure the greatest generation whined about the Boomers, the Boomers whined about the X'ers, and we whine about the...  Well, what the hell do you even call them?  Gen Y?  Milliniumers? FaceBook generation?  Pick a name already!  Or do we have to do that for you too!

Talking 'bout my g-g-g-generation

I did figure out one thing for sure.  What kind of music will tomorrow's teenagers have to come up with music loud and distasteful enough to offend parents who grew up loving the Beastie Boys?

You win this one Millennium generation.
You win this one.